Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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