first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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