My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Randomize
