The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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