Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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