Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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