he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
