I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
