i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
