My hand turned me down
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
