why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Randomize
