I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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