She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
