As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize