I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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