Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
