My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
