you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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