you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
