Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
