My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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