Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
