I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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