M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
someone owes me an orgasm
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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