is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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