you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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