you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
