My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
