I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
