I smell stomach acid.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
