I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
