I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
