We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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