i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Four minutes until I can fart!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
