someone get that fucking seahorse.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
