just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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