Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize