Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
