I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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