matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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