Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
