I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
