New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
