I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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