is your mom at the bar?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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