I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
