according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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