the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
