Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
