Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
