My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You can't special order awesome
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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