just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We talked him into tasing himself.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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