just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
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just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
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Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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