He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
