Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
the raccoons are back...
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