I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
