I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
