Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
